A few
weeks ago, I found out that I have a tooth that needs to be
pulled. Big deal, right? Yet I’m astonished at the intensity
of my reaction. Most nights I find myself awake at 3:00 a.m.,
tormented by thoughts of mortality. What will be the next
to go? Which appendage will desert me? Before I know it I’ll
be old, old and frail, old and alone!
Gah!
At this Full Moon, with the Moon in tender, sensitive Cancer
in a close conjunction with threatening Mars, I know I’m
not the only one feeling a bit prone and under attack. Even
the political conversation is increasingly moving from foreign
affairs to domestic concerns, and what politicians are hearing
from their constituents is, "We are afraid." Afraid
of losing our jobs and our homes. Watching, horrified, as
loved ones fall ill and in some cases lose everything because
they either can’t afford health insurance or their coverage
is inadequate.
Enter
my poor old tooth, prompting my fears that growing older will
lead to a future in which I drop limbs like a diseased tree.
I mentioned these nocturnal worries to a friend, taking care
to present the subject with humor so I didn’t seem like
an hysteric. He was not unsympathetic, but did take the opportunity
to caution me about the Law of Attraction and to wonder why
I was inviting this physical problem into my life. He’s
a genuinely caring person and I know he meant well; so why
did I leave our meeting feeling judged and alone instead of
positive and empowered?
It seems
to me that trying to inoculate ourselves from life’s
difficult side, whether it’s with positive thinking or
"retail therapy," is empty — like a false Sun/Jupiter
Santa Claus groaning beneath the weight of unearned gifts.
Yet variations on this theme are everywhere at this Full Moon,
with the Sun conjunct jovial, "everything will be fine
if you only believe!" Jupiter and opposed the Mars-wounded
Moon in Cancer. Cash-strapped borrowers are defaulting on
their mortgages in record numbers, for instance, yet the Christmas
retail season got off to a particularly strong start.
At this
Full Moon, the Sun and Jupiter in Capricorn, a sign that thrives
on overcoming difficulties, remind us that confronting obstacles
can yield unexpected benefits. For instance, alone with my
sundry terrors in the wee hours, I’ve been finding
something besides fear in my heart: compassion. I feel
a lot more empathy these days for people who are coping with
pain, loneliness, and troubles much more profound than my
own. Pema Chodrin calls this compassion "the awakened
heart," the bodhichitta. Feeling what we feel,
the negative as well as the positive, is a doorway to the
complex hearts of others.
The truth
is, lots of us are scared, and angry because we’re scared.
Where is the extended family that will look after the dying
aunt? Or the health care system that takes care of the dying
and relieves their suffering without bankrupting the survivors?
And the moment my 3:00 a.m. self taps into this fear and pain
and hopelessness – really surrenders to it – I’m
immediately calmer. Suddenly I’m sharing in the world’s
fear and pain and hopelessness, not just dealing with my own
lonely mess. In those moments I glimpse an alternate vision
of the Sun and Jupiter… not a claymation Saint Nick with
a bulging bag of toys, but a kind, accepting, glowing Buddha
figure.
Sometimes
we’re fortunate enough to encounter these luminescent,
warm-hearted souls in real life — the wise elder, the
avuncular grandfather, the fun-loving friend who never met
a stranger— and it’s as healing as a comfortable
nap in front of a roaring fire. Interestingly, these are never
people whom life has spared from difficulty and fear. In fact,
it’s because they’ve faced life’s problems
and retained a hopeful, positive Jupiterian presence that
we are reassured we can do the same. "We all get older,
we’re frail and afraid," their manner implies, "but
it will be okay as long as we help each other out. We just
have to be there for one another. We just have to be there
for ourselves."
Maybe
my friend has it right, and I’ve attracted this sad,
wrecked tooth into my life – not as a punishment for
thinking negative thoughts, but as a gift of knowing. At this
Full Moon, I hope you feel genuinely happy, loving, and at
peace. But if you find yourself tangled in the odd moment
of sadness, regret, or loneliness, I wish you the confidence
to let your own pierced heart awaken. Feel everything
that you feel, even if it doesn’t suit the manic cheer
of the season. When Mars opens our lunar hearts this holiday
season, let’s leave them open and let them teach us,
soften us, and bring us closer to one another. Our awakened
hearts can draw us, gracefully and naturally, into the joyful
sunlight of the Sun and Jupiter, setting us aglow with the
comfort, hope, and merriment of our own Buddha natures.
